Saturday, 27 August 2011

  • Rough Draft Korea

    I find myself missing the cathartic experience of writing out my thoughts and feelings. I mean, I thought for a while that my writing was stupid because my issues with depression always give me away. No one like an angst-filled adult, neh.

    But my age (just turned 29) is causing me to think more about the person I am and the person I miss, as well as the person I want to be.

    What was the was the line in 13 Going On 30? Thirty, flirty and thriving...? Ha ha ha... Just thinking about turning thirty makes me freaked out yet motivated. This is my year to quit moping and get to it.

    Which I guess leads me to the sad-to-admit conclusion that with depression follows selfishness and self-pity. There is an amount of necessity and truth to the "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" saying. I have begun to acknowledge the fact that my upbringing instilled a very weak inner locus of control. And a very strong outer one. Things happen to me and affect me more than I have stood in the face of resistance. More than I have shaped myself and allowed Him to craft me, I've let myself be shaped by events and other people.

    So when I find myself unhappy in life, working for the weekend and chained to the daily grind, I feel trapped. Which is wrong. I guess it's only now occurring to me that I can be grateful for what I have and change the things I dislike about my life. I dont know why my skull is so thick!

    Anyway, these are the things going through my mind. I'll hopefully be ta lking out some of this as I make progress toward a different, more resolved life.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

  • home.

    do you ever forget how old you are? in my case, it tends to go something like this, "27 or 28... wait, I'm not 29 am I?" ha, is that really so absurd? i'm just going through the motions. go to work and just try to get through each day, work for the weekend, then what?

    if you lose yourself, who are you? is it a lost forever situation or a go-back-to-where-you-last-were to get yourself back? is it a step back, move forward, keep chiseling away until--there i am? please tell me. or not.

    how do ypu express loneliness without selfishness? it that possible? if not, is everything in moderation still alright?

    i guess i don't know who i am. anymore or again. and i imagine that if i try to really talk about things and express how lost i am, it will be disastrous. people would want to shake me. snap out of it.

    but i dont think i've ever been normal and i dont know how to try to be normal. at least within a range of normalcy. i still do not know how to not shut the world out, to shut people out. to shut God out. i shut everyone and everything out of my life, including myself. it feels like second nature to me and i am so lost as to changing my nature. even though i know in my heart that all i need to do is let Christ change me.

    but i have been afraid of Him and everything imaginable. i guess if you've never despised yourself or sincerely believed yourself to be worthless, you might have trouble understanding these rumblings.

    for who could ever learn to love a beast?

    i never should have forgotten how betrayal feels. i never should have thought i could go through the motions and not be burned. i should not have tried to trust or ignore my better judgement. i'm here again. but this time i am in so deep.

    where do i go from here...?